Shadow: The psychological term for qualities, behaviors, and beliefs we don’t see about ourselves.

Intimacy: Close familiarity or friendship; closeness.

Whether you’re a romantic partner or a new friend — the closer we get to one another, the more we encounter each other’s shadow.

We all have shadow.

How we respond when shadow arises shapes and defines our relationships.

It’s natural to hide from shadow — because often we don’t like what we see.

Think of the last time you had an angry outburst toward a friend or partner. It’s embarrassing and often painful to see how they respond.

We are much more likely to sweep the whole situation under the rug instead of turning toward what happened with curiosity.

So our first instinct toward encountering shadow is to avoid, ignore, or try to forcefully change.

Yet every time we avoid our shadow, we are telling it, “Please come back later, I’m not ready for you right now.”

It’s more helpful to view each moment shadow rears up as an opportunity — for self-discovery, closer relationship with others, and a truthful relationship with ourself.

The first step when shadow emerges is to acknowledge what happened, turning toward it instead of away. “I did that. Wow. What the heck?”

It’s not pretty, but it’s part of you.

Next we need to take responsibility. Maybe we did something that hurt our partner, or made us ashamed.

What was the impact you had on others? You might see that you hurt your friend with the outburst, and say, “I’m sorry. I can tell that I really hurt you when I got angry.”

The wonderful byproduct of acknowledging our impact is that we create the possibility of facing our shadow — because we can only change or heal what we first own about our self.

The final step: get curious.

“Oh my. I wonder why I got so angry?”

This is where your disposition toward shadow begins to change radically. You will begin to see that shadow is simply an accommodation to the experiences, circumstances, oppressions, privileges and wounds you picked up along your journey through life.

Shadow emerges out of need, not out of some innate bad-ness.

The key here is that you are not defined by your shadow. It’s part of you, but never all of you. Shadow creates behaviors that often embarrass us, sometimes hurt others, and almost always keep us from deepening in relationship — yet every moment where our shadow emerges is an opportunity.

How does shadow define our relationships? Because ignoring it leads to a very boring pattern: The same dramas play out over and over again!

We suppress it, ignore it, and then it comes back later.

So if you want to instead define your relationships based on your essential goodness, start facing your shadow.

When we begin to take responsibility by facing our shadow, we gain a new purchase on life — filled with relationships that unfold in new and beautiful ways, self-confidence, and a truthful relationship with the many facets of our essential self.

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